i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
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One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Yup
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
How animals would run if they were human
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.