i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
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My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.