Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

What if all the cashiers are married?

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

it is time once again

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.