I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
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If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.