I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
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I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
Hank is one in a melon.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
“HELP WITH CAT”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”