I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
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If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Do not levitate over flowers
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
🤣🤣🤣
but that was my emotional support daylight
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.