Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*