Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

aesthetic

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.