I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
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There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
*serious situation*
My brain:
