Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

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gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

This a good idea