Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

Wait a second…