I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
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Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
You know…for fall…
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
