I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
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What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.