Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

Oops

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

🍛

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.