Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

Lmao

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t