I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
This hospital has everything
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
You have been warned.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
another case of gang violins
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward