I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
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My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.