I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
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You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE