I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
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[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
why neck hurt
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
money maker
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.