Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor