Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying a well is money well spent.

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

OH. COME. ON.

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?