Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

The United Steaks of America

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…