Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

Great Canadian literature.

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

Hero horse inspires millions

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”