I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
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I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Breaking news:
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”