Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

What about second breakfast?

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?