I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
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I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.