I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
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Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I’m sorry…what?
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen