@robyn_vo

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

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@BoozeWallet

*opens kitchen garbage to discover there’s no bag in it*

*walks 6 miles to gas station to throw out kleenex rather than putting new bag in*

@iwearaonesie

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

@SnizzleFrizzle

Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”

He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.

@R_A_Dadass

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

@BGH70

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

@JoeBerkowitz

Feel like Hollywood keeps churning out the same movie again and again.

@Bad_Ass_Trucker

Women to the left of me
Women to the right of me
That’s when I realized I was in the wrong bathroom

@Home_Halfway

I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are “Halloween decorations” again.