*opens kitchen garbage to discover there’s no bag in it*
*walks 6 miles to gas station to throw out kleenex rather than putting new bag in*
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
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wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”
He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Feel like Hollywood keeps churning out the same movie again and again.
Pomegranate is not a fruit, it is a task.
Women to the left of me
Women to the right of me
That’s when I realized I was in the wrong bathroom
I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are “Halloween decorations” again.