@robyn_vo

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

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@AmishPornStar1

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

@brendohare

People keep coming up to me & saying “You have the right amount of hair my son.” Is this normal? Does anyone else have this problem? Hello??

@drankturpentine

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

@tastefactory

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

@BertCarrillo

Surprise your girlfriend by hiding in her trunk until you’re dead.

@Jerrypleasure

Mugger: Everyone is sleeping, follow me silently
Me: Okay
Also me [holding a clicking pen]: *click click click click*

@_xLNc

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

@_ElvishPresley_

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”