Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
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People keep coming up to me & saying “You have the right amount of hair my son.” Is this normal? Does anyone else have this problem? Hello??
* flirting with disaster
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Surprise your girlfriend by hiding in her trunk until you’re dead.
Mugger: Everyone is sleeping, follow me silently
Also me [holding a clicking pen]: *click click click click*
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”