I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
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My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Somebody’s lying.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music