Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!