I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
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if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
incredible google review i just found
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Pretty certain I can more drunk
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.