I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
You Might Also Like
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits