Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.