I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
You Might Also Like
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help