Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The photographer’s assistant

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

Nomnomnomnom

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this