I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
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*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED