I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
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Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”