Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

I’m not lazy

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

This rocks

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Meanwhile in Canada…

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison