Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.