I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
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A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
and now we wait
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
nature’s most graceful animal