I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
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The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Great Canadian literature.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline