I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
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If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour