I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
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Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Vodka burrito was a success
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.