Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.