Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

Still cracks me up

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Story of my life…..

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!