I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
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What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON