I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
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For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice