I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
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People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
how to have fun when you’re poor
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
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If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband