I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
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Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.