Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

The Sun’s probably Asian.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks