Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joseph Smith, 1833

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

it must be school picture day

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

[at a racetrack]

DATE: Which horse are you betting on?

ME: I don’t have a horse in this race

DATE: That’s fair

ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?