I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
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When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Oh we’ve met.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
guys i’ve cracked the code
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”