Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

Bear knowledge

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍