Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

Me when I hear gossip

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

plant them where lol

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x