Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*