Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.