I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
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was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
Just a friendly reminder!
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.