I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
The Onion called it…again.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me