I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
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Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
