I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
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Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.