I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
You Might Also Like
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
hand it over!
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I remember when things only cost an arm.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention