Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

dutch so unserious

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

Me when I try to be useful

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.