Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

in 3 months

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

Florida man

Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.