Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

Ion see the issue

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable