Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

😭😭

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?