I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
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People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.