I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
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just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
screw you
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..