Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

Old old old old old west

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

Found my door mat

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9