I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

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A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”

In what world is that not totally awesome.


My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.


me: my friend died in her sleep ūüôĀ

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died


since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin


I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.


Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls


[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}


ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend


You know America you kinda brought Bieber on yourselves. There’s not enough Canadians to make him go viral.

Sorry but thems the truth.