I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
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I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Wait a minute
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.