@lovemydogduck

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

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@InstaTrent

A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”

In what world is that not totally awesome.

@ericsshadow

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

@ClichedOut

me: my friend died in her sleep ūüôĀ

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

@murrman5

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

@danabrit

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

@FeelsLike2sday

Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls

@RedRegenerated

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

@BuckyIsotope

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

@KoKeniSasquatch

You know America you kinda brought Bieber on yourselves. There’s not enough Canadians to make him go viral.

Sorry but thems the truth.