me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
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My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.